Year End Review- 2022

As is my usual on this blog, I like to post a year end review to track how things are going for my career and such. I always do an audit of my former year to see what worked and what didn’t, and from there decide what I want to bring forward into the next.

I’ve found this to be tremendously helpful to be engaged with the past to inform the present and future. Since I was only working for half of the year in 2022 (living abroad for the other half), I was firmly under the impression that it was a wash and I accomplished next to nothing in acting. The reality is far from that.

So, without further adieu, here is my year end review of 2022.

140 total auditions. This is across film, TV, commercial, theatre and Voice Over. Clearly I hit the ground running when I returned.

My bookings were less than stellar- just 2 jobs. Both were voice over.

I had a callback ratio of 8.2% for commercials and a 3.3% avail ratio. I had a 10% callback ratio for film/tv.

I attended the Austin Comedy Fest for my short film that was in competition. The film was accepted into 8 festivals.

I invested in my voice over career with Pro Tools, doing a consult to make sure my studio was broadcast quality, and taking a bunch of classes.

I worked on my writing by taking a Book Proposal class. I also joined a writer’s critique group. And I pitched to 21 magazines to get my essays published. I also made excellent progress on my book.

I published 3 skillshare beginner woodworking classes.

I went to Costume College for the first time and completed sewing an Edwardian ensemble from the undergarments out.

I spent a huge amount of time traveling abroad- Germany, Spain, Iceland, Egypt, Austria, France, as well as domestically to see friends and family- Texas, Florida, North Carolina, Colorado. I am glad for the time/$ invested in relationships.

So, what do I want for 2023?

This is the year I finish my book. I feel it in my bones. I think I needed the experience of the past few years to add to and enlighten my writing, and I’m grateful for it. So now it’s taking the manuscript through a few more drafts, having beta readers give me feedback, and onto the querying process. Hooray!

I am nearly finished creating a brand new commercial voice over demo reel. As soon as that is complete I will be submitting to voice over agents, which will hopefully get the ball rolling on new VO opps.

I am collabing with a friend for a comedy stage show that I’m excited about. It’s very much in the beginning stages at present, but I would not be surprised if we get this on stage this year.

I’d like to train and complete a sprint triathlon. I’ve always been interested, but it’s largely been on the backburner since I did the Catalina marathon. I think it’d be fun to do that this year.

I also want to experience solo backpacking. I’ve been fearful about this for my safety- other people harming me, injuries in the wild, getting lost, etc. But I think it would be valuable for me to do it, so I’m just going to have to take the risk and prepare as much as I can.

I would like to make new friends. It’s clear to me I need to expand my circle. It’s super tough to make friends at my age and childless, but I refuse to believe it can’t be done in a massively populated place like L.A.

So, aside from some smaller goals, this is what I’ll be focusing on this year.

How about you? What are you excited about this year? Any big plans? Things you’re curious about?

Rut

It feels kind of official.  I’m in a rut.  I don’t feel all that sad about it, though.  Disappointing, as always.  Maybe I’ve let the cynicism come through, but I have come to accept it as part of the job.  I will be in ruts, frequently, and I will feel like I can’t get work.  It doesn’t mean I’m a bad actor.  It doesn’t mean that I’m not trying.  It just is.

I have been longing deep within my heart to do another musical for the past year.  I got an audition for one (finally!) last week, and did all the prep I could for it.  I broke down those sides just like I would for any film or TV script, I practiced, I memorized, I did vocal warmups, and I made choices on the song and dialog that I thought were quite nice.  I felt great about the audition, I could tell the CD was on board, and I felt pretty certain I’d receive a callback today.

Nothing.

And so it goes.  I decided that I was slacking in my acting class and I became very disappointed in how I was shortchanging myself, my teacher, and the rest of my class with my lack of preparation.  So I apologized to the teacher and gave him my word that I’d come back prepared and the rest of this month he would see me on my game.  On Monday, after I aced that musical audition, I finished my prep for class and got there on time, ready to roll.  It was a great class.  I threw in ideas that others hadn’t considered, I felt great about the scenes I performed, and I knew I did the work to have a successful class.  After we wrapped up, the teacher came to me, hugged me and told me I did a really good job.  I made him proud.

So there you have it.

I am talented. 

I am by no means lazy. 

And yet, even I can’t get called back on a low budget workshop of a musical.

This is L.A.  Welcome to the hustle.

Doubt

I started going to acting class a month ago.  3 times a week I’ve been preparing, breaking down scripts, memorizing lines, understanding character and making choices.  All before class.  Then I spend 9 hours a week in class auditioning on camera, being critiqued, breaking down the script more, and finding out what I did wrong.

Before I started this class, and in the first week or so, I was fairly confident I had good instincts and made good, unique choices with the material I was given.  But now?  I feel like a bad actor.  My instincts aren’t so good.  The choices I make are wrong.  Then that creeping, quiet voice rears its ugly head again and speaks the age old lie: you’ve been fooling yourself all along and everyone has been lying to you all your life- you do not have talent.

Asshole.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  In one sense, it’s good to be self aware, and humble and not assume we have all the answers.  But why do we jump on this wheel again and again even though we know it to be false?  Do people in other professions make themselves crazy like this?  I wouldn’t know since I haven’t had a real world job in a decade.

When that doubt creeps in and you wonder if you should even be attempting this dream, what do you do?  Personally, since I’m a believer, I have a sneaky suspicion it’s Satan planting those thoughts in my head.  He loves nothing more than to have you either a. think far more of yourself than you should  or b. think far less  That’s how he works.  Since I logically know this to be a lie re: I have no talent, then why would I believe it?  No one hired me out of pity.  No one called me back on a job because it was the right thing to do.  Business doesn’t work that way.  So I must be content with the truth rather than the lie.

And always be striving to keep it a lie.

Brave

I just finished reading Mindy Kaling’s second book, Why Not Me? and the final chapter totally resonated with some feelings I’m having right now regarding hard work and entitlement.

…You need the tiniest bit of bravery.  People get scared when you try to do something, especially when it looks like you’re succeeding.  People do not get scared when you’re failing.  It calms them…But when you’re winning, it makes them feel like they’re losing, or, worse yet, that maybe they should’ve tried to do something too, but now it’s too late.  And since they didn’t, they want to stop you.  You can’t let them.

-Mindy Kaling

My theatrical agent dropped me.  This is the first time this has happened to me, and honestly, it’s scary.  I feel like I don’t have a net, like I don’t have a reference, that I don’t have access.  And it’s true.  I don’t.  But in the less than 5 days since I found out I was no longer a theatrically represented actress, I have hustled more than I ever have.  Auditions have been taped and sent in unsolicited, drop offs have been made, and pitch calls and emails have gone out.  I feel incredibly proactive and hard working right now.  It takes guts to call casting and pitch.  It takes guts to put yourself on tape and be vulnerable.  And for that, I am proud of myself, and I deserve any of the goodness that comes from this.  Grateful, yes.  Humble, absolutely.  Just as hard working?  You better believe it.  Be brave.  This is your career- no one else is gonna do it for you.

Kicking Butt and taking names

I was having brunch with an actor friend and we did as actors do, somewhat bemoaning how tough it is in this industry to make headway and get work, when she told me that she’s reframing the way she looks at pursuing employment.  She realized this whole auditioning in a room of a bunch of strangers that don’t know what they want with a miniscule chance at getting the role process feels very powerless.  So she’s no longer pursuing that.

Instead, she’s going to work at building relationships with up and coming filmmakers.  She sees herself in independent films so it makes sense that she build relationships with her future employers.  This means connecting with them on social media, going to film festivals and watching their progress, and knowing who is upcoming and making projects that she would be right for.  Logically it seems that they would think of her when it comes time to cast their films.

Hear hear Kristen!  I love to hear of fellow actors taking charge of their career and hustling to get what they want, rather than leaving it up to someone else.  Believe me when I say that owning your own business and being responsible for getting your own work is hard.  Why do you think that only 6.6% of the US workforce is self-employed?  It’s much easier to have someone tell you what to do.  But if you want to take ownership in your career and feel that you had a say in every piece of art you created, you have to do the work.  I just booked my 9th commercial for this year.  It’s been my most successful year to date, easily surpassing 10 years combined of acting.  Out of those 9 commercials, I procured 5 of them.  The rest were through my agent.

Though this blog has gone into remission (anyone else miss it dearly??) The Working Actress had the best tagline:

Welcome to the Hustle

I love it.  Even though she was and is a steadily working actress who has made great progress in her career, she hustles and works at working.  It always amazes me when I meet “actors” who complain about not getting an agent or work, but all they do is clock in at their waiter job and wait for acting work to pursue them.  I feel like shaking them and asking “what are you doing here???  Go live some place much cheaper that won’t suck your soul into Sheoul if you just want to waste time.”  This is your career, your art, your you.  Own it.

Entitlement and Hard Work

2 weeks ago I was at a callback for a commercial and I waited as they brought in girl after girl before me, even though I had come in before them, and my call time was earlier.  I waited and watched as one girl came out, then they chased her down the street, and asked her to come in and read for another part, right when I was set to go in.  They did that again for another girl.  I listened as the casting assistant came out with the girl and stood and shot the breeze, exchanged contact info, and generally made best friends with her after her audition.  All while I was waiting to go in.

Finally he looks up and acknowledges me and has me come in, an hour after I’d arrived.  Clients were in the room, as well as the director, as is usual with a lot of commercial callbacks.  They laughed and liked what I did with the first take, then I received around 6 redirects, doing it slightly different each time.  They thanked me for my time, and I walked to the car a little miffed at the wait, how I didn’t “feel” the audition, and how clearly those other girls who were lavished with attention were the choices.  It didn’t help that a fedex truck driver felt it necessary to pull up next to me and whistle while I walked to my car.

Imagine my surprise when, a few days later, I found I booked the job and would be flying to Seattle 3 days later.  I started to feel pretty good about my abilities, assuming that I was so good in the room that I beat out even those other girls, who were clearly the favorites.  I was convinced that I had earned the job until sitting at drinks with the rest of the cast it was revealed that one of the actors was not an actor at all, but a writer, and another it was his first commercial to ever book.  <Cue sad trombone>  It was obvious to me that we were not the cream of the crop, we just happened to strike a chord with the director and clients.  I had not earned this job.

The day of the shoot I had spent the drive to set memorizing my 6 lines.  It was rather easy to just show up, and assume the work was done back when I auditioned and won them over.  After my 45 minutes of shooting was complete, I pondered the work I had just done.  It was not my best work, it wasn’t my most prepared work, and I felt I could’ve done a lot more.  If I had spent the night before running my lines and figuring out different takes.  If I had worked my expressions and variety of looks.  But I didn’t.  And I’m regretful about that.

Everything you do is an expression of your art.  And if just getting the job is the only excellence you strive for, you’re missing a vital component of excellence.  I want to be the actor that exceeds everyone’s expectations.  I want them to say “we knew we liked her in the room, but wow!  She’s even better than we hoped for.”  Because in the end, assuming you’re entitled to a job because you beat out everyone else only sets you up for laziness and mediocrity.  And that’s not what I want to be known for on a set.

When it rains…

I experienced something these past 2 weeks that I’ve never experienced thus far in my 10 years in this business.  A veritable hailstorm of opportunity.  2 weeks ago I had no less than TEN auditions within the week.  Each Wednesday there have been 3 auditions, most other days held 2.  Throughout this time, there were also bookings and callbacks.  It was exhausting but also exhilarating.  There were lots of Subway bathroom changes, hair and makeup changes, and more driving than I’ve done in a long while.

It seems that this week has slowed down some, perhaps proving what I surmised- it just happened to be an extremely busy 2 weeks for advertising.  During these 2 weeks, there was a job I booked in particular that shot in Redondo Beach.  That’s really far.  I also received 2 auditions for that day.  I really didn’t feel like it and after working on a gig all day the last thing I felt like doing was auditioning.  But I packed my change of clothes anyways and made it to both of them.  I feel like when opportunity arises you have to strike it with all you’ve got (within reason, of course).  Because there will be plenty of dead weeks and months where the crickets are chirping and you are working on everything but acting because it’s a dry spell.  During the rainy season, be prepared and ready to work.  Because you may just be driving from Santa Monica to Burbank to Central L.A. and changing in a Ralphs restroom, trying to wrap your mind around this life that you get to live and the opportunities you’re being blessed with.  Soak in the moment.  It goes all too soon.

Beauty

I’ve written here before about Beauty, and have been doing some more thinking about it this week.  Recently, I won a court case.  Me!  I actually went before a judge, argued my case against a police officer, and was found not guilty of a stop sign ticket.  I had done months and months of research on fighting this ticket in the lead up to the trial.  I had done a trial by written declaration and lost.  I asked for a new trial, which meant I had to fight my case in person, against a cop, which is almost impossible.  I was just praying that he didn’t show up, and I’d win my case due to his absence.  I’m not naive enough to think that my word would hold any legitimacy against a uniformed cop.  But I did more than my due diligence anyways, because I knew I wasn’t guilty.  I took pictures from his vantage point, I read hundreds of forums, I typed up very long arguments in my favor, and did all I could to be as well prepared as possible.

The day of the trial, over half the cases were dismissed due to a no-show on the cops part.  Of course, my cop was one of 3 that did show up.  And he was testifying against 2 other girls as well.  I was the only person who won my trial that day.  I watched every single person go up and argue their case (some fairly well), only to have the judge be quite sympathetic, and perhaps even believing of their argument, but still finding them guilty.  The clincher?  My cop had video that was shown to the judge of his pursuit and handing out of my ticket.  The judge agreed with me that the cop not only pulled me over without really seeing if I didn’t stop, but also pointed out that the cop started pursuing me before I ever even got to the limit line.  Shame on him.  I was deemed not guilty and will receive a refund of my $268 bail soon.  I walked out of that courthouse with my head held high, and exclaimed to the pedestrian I passed “I won my trial!  Hallelujah!”  I was on cloud nine the rest of the day, and still kind of am.

When I mentioned that I won a traffic court trial to an out of state friend recently, their response was “And I’m sure it had nothing to do with how you looked that day- all made up and pretty, right?”  I mumbled something about having just come from an audition, so I was dressed nicely and my hair was curled, though I would have done that even if I hadn’t been to an audition.  I believe you should look your best at court to show respect.  But as I thought about this more, it grated on me.  I won’t be that person who 1. denies that they’re a bit easy on the eyes and that no one has ever treated them nicely because of that; nor 2. the person who thinks they’re so pretty that they should be treated differently.  I’m just me.  And I won that ticket fair and square.  It had nothing to do with my hair, my dress, my makeup, whatever.  And when I thought about the other ladies who lost their trials that day, I realized I was not the prettiest gal in the room.  Further, in L.A., I rarely am.

This is something few people understand who don’t live in Los Angeles.  There are more beautiful, stunning and perfect-looking people per capita than any other place on Earth.  Your average grocery store checker looks like a model in a magazine spread.  Moms look like they have 1% body fat, have perfect hair and skin and also happen to be accomplished classical musicians.  It’s just the nature of this place.  Because beauty is everything here, it means nothing.  Brings new meaning to the girl who told me at a networking event “you’re texas pretty, but only L.A. sorta-cute”.

So, if you’re convinced that you’re so beautiful that you’ll definitely make it in Hollywood, let me assure you, it means less than you think.  And if you are concerned you aren’t beautiful enough, let me assure you, it means less than you think.  Character actors (which is just a phrase for normal looking people) get far more work than pretty people out here.  Work with what you have.

Perspective

This past week I was extremely fortunate to fly out to Idaho and spend time with my aunt, who was recently diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.  We witnessed the last day of her whole brain radiation, celebrated her 55th birthday, took walks, ate great food, and laughed till our stomachs ached playing board games.  I savored each moment with her and her kids, my cousins.  It couldn’t have been a more joyous, loving time.

While I was there, the typical ‘book a trip and suddenly every job wants you’ phenomenon took place.  I had to decline 3 auditions, and a callback for a commercial shooting in New York.  But I felt no pang of regret.  At no point did I think of delaying or canceling my trip.  There will be more jobs, more auditions, more callbacks.  But time spent with those you love is limited.

I know other actors who have missed weddings, canceled vacations, and rearranged their entire life around this crazy career.  I don’t think this is advisable.  I recently read Amy Poehler’s book, “Yes, Please” and this line resonated with me:

Treat your career like a bad boyfriend

She ruminates further, saying

“Career is the thing that will not fill you up and will never make you truly whole. Depending on your career is like eating cake for breakfast and wondering why you start crying an hour later.”

Commitment to craft, yes.  Creative your entire life regardless of the work you get? Yes, please.  Living life and loving people, experiences, places, and not depending on a transient career to fill that void?  I couldn’t agree more.  (mostly because I just wrote it)  Do yourself, your spirit, your mind, and all those who love you a favor and stop making this career the reason for your existence.  You are so much more than the jobs you book and the work you do.  Embrace this.

Perseverance

Regular readers of my blog will have gotten the sense by now that I am not a quitter.  Unless you are my long-suffering husband, however, you might not know the extent of my persevering attitude.  I am here today to share the one that caps it all, that will stand triumphant in the annals of non-quitter history, that will secure my rightful place as “the woman who ignored common sense, sleep, and devalued her time for longer than any before her”.  I bring you the story of

THE QUILT

When I was a wee babe of 13 years old, my mother cursed blessed me with the Christmas gift of a cross stitch quilt.  I excitedly ripped open the package, and began cross stitching the outside trim, before I could even get my hands on a hoop.  My cousin would be born soon, and I wanted to make this quilt for her.  I worked throughout the holiday, and when we returned home, worked some more.

For the next few years, I would see the quilt glaring at me from the corner of my room, so I’d work on it some more.  On craft days with my friends, out the old quilt would come.  I eventually headed off to college and my old standby came with me.  In the dorms, my friend and I would have quilting nights and we’d work for hours on our quilts (clearly I didn’t have a boyfriend).

Then I got married, and the quilt took its rightful place alongside 7 moves, from Texas to Oklahoma, and eventually cross country to California.  There it stood, large and glooming, in the living room, in my office, it didn’t matter where I put it, like the one ring to rule them all, it beckoned me.  And so I’d pull out the precious the quilt and resume the work I began so long ago.

This past year I found out my sister was pregnant with her first child.  Perfect!  A reason to finish the quilt!  Steadily I worked, with terrible TV shows on in the background (see: ONCE) to add to my punishment of spending my night quilting.  My husband would ask excitedly “What do you want to do tonight?” and I’d sigh, looking at my unfinished quilt and say “what I’d like to do is hang out with you and watch a movie, but I NEED to work on my quilt”.  And so it went, month after month.

Unfortunately, I did not finish it in time for the baby shower.  Nor did I finish it in time for the actual arrival of the baby.  Nor when I came to visit my sister and her at the time, 1 month old.  Knowing I was coming home for Christmas this year, I knew I could finish the damn thing blessed gift in time for a Christmas present for my now 8 month old niece.  I worked my fingers to the bone, day and night, night and day, and the night before we left, sewed from 12pm to 6 am straight through.  And…

FINISHED

That’s right, folks, EIGHTEEN YEARS after starting the quilt, I finished it.  What you see above is eighteen years of work on something most people would’ve given up on 3 months in.  Even as a teenager, I had the strongest stubborn streak of anyone I know, and it carries on to this day.  In acting, when it feels like I’m not moving forward, and nothing is working out, I press on.  In marathons, when I felt I could not take one more step, I crossed the finish line.  And in quilts that never seem to get completed, I never gave up.

per·se·ver·ance

ˌpərsəˈvirəns/

noun

noun: perseverance

steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Yep, that just about sums it up.  Next time you feel like quitting, think of this quilt and think of how even 18 years after starting something, you can finish it.

to my cousin Courtney, who has now finished high school, sorry I didn’t finish it for you.  I really meant to…